Between Us — A Blog

Admittedly, I’m coming to this party a little late in the game, but mineral makeup is something new to me. Yes, I know that it’s been all the rage for a few years, and I’ve heard various brand names bandied about by friends; however, putting dust from the earth on my face has never much interested me.

It’s very unusual that it’s taken me so long to jump on this bandwagon. Typically, if there’s a new beauty product on the market, I’m the first in line.

But as a kid, I was one of those prissy little girls who had an aversion to all things icky. I was busy vacuuming up invisible dirt with my faux Electrolux while the cupcakes were rising in the Easy Bake Oven. In 1966, I was a 6-year-old 1950’s housewife.

So you can understand why I haven’t been too keen about putting dirt on my face in midlife. But since I’m not one to be left behind when it comes to amazing beauty products, I figured that I should at least investigate mineral makeup and see what all the fuss is about.

Since it’s springtime, and since I’m in self-improvement mode what with my new smoky eye kit, I thought that I should look at updating the rest of my face. A new foundation and blush seemed like the perfect complement to my seductive eyes.

I searched everywhere for a really good explanation of mineral makeup, and it was difficult to find anything on the web because most sites were very commercial—and therefore biased toward their particular brand of mineral makeup.

However, I did find one site—a blog written by a doctor—that serves as a sort of mineral makeup tutorial. If you want to know the dirt, this site is a good place to start.

By the way, I am now wearing mineral makeup. And I really don’t feel like I’m wearing a mud mask. In fact, I don’t feel like I have any makeup on at all. Hmm. It’s amazing what a little dirt can do for woman who’s in the throes of midlife.

Thank goodness the “smoky eye” is still in style. In a moment of weakness, during a recent peri-menopausal night of sleeplessness, I tuned into one of those home shopping networks and bought myself a smoky eye kit.

The hostess of the program promised that if I followed the directions included with the trio of eye shadows, I would have genuine smoky eyes like the kind that you see on fashion models.

“Isn’t that more of a sultry, winter’s evening look?” my friend Dee suggested during one of our ladies’ lunches a few days later—after I casually mentioned that I had to go straight home to meet the UPS guy, because according to the tracking information my smoky eye kit was scheduled for delivery that afternoon.

Let me just say that the kit was not inexpensive. Granted, the shopping channel was running a special during the wee hours of the morning, but still.

Was it possible that Dee could be right? I love her dearly, but she’s one of those friends who is a bit of a know-it-all. She had planted a seed of doubt. Would I look like Christmas in July? Maybe that’s why the smoky eye kit was on sale in April.

Thank you very much, Dee, for bursting my bubble.

When I ordered that kit at 2:30 a.m., I really wasn’t thinking about whether or not smoky eyes would be in style for springtime. All I knew is that I wanted sexy, sultry eyes—and this gearbox of eye color sounded like just the thing to glam up a midlife gal who’s in a bit of a beauty rut.

And with the easy step-by-step instructions, how could I lose? The woman on TV made it sound as if I could just call my neighbor’s three year old if I ran into trouble while trying to apply the shadows to my lids.

As luck would have it, on my way home from lunch with Dee I spied the UPS truck. He was at the far edge of my neighborhood, and I knew that it would be at least another 45 minutes before he was knocking at my front door. So I did the unthinkable. I stalked him. At his next stop, I pulled my car in right behind his big brown truck and jumped out. He knows me; I’ve hunted him down on his route before, so an impromptu visit from The Crazy Lady—who needs instant gratification and can’t stand to wait for her packages—wasn’t a complete surprise.

After rummaging through his truckload of deliveries for about five minutes, the driver finally produced my smoky eye kit. I sped home, ripped open the package—and my eyes haven’t been the same since. It thrills me to no end to be able to report a happy outcome. That smoky eye kit works wonders. And the instructions really are perfect for those who are technically challenged.

And guess what? According to various credible fashion sources, smoky eyes are indeed “in” for spring 2007. Here’s a rundown of some of the other make-up trends for this season. Dee and I are meeting for lunch again next week, and I can’t wait because I am going to be positively smokin’.

When I mentioned to a friend of mine a couple of months ago that I was blogging about topics for “women of a certain age,” it sparked a conversation about some of the things we experience when we hit midlife. This particular friend entered menopause early, at the age of 41, because of a hysterectomy. Since then, an ongong problem for her has been vaginal dryness. As she was revealing how uncomfortable and painful the condition is, she added, rather flippantly, “Well, I guess as we age our eyes aren’t the only things that dry out.”

Huh? I didn’t know that “dry eye” was part of the plan. But guess what? I know now because I have it. Actually, I have had it for about a year and never bothered to deal with it. But it’s becoming more annoying, so I finally broke down and made an appointment with my doctor last week. I simply thought that my dry eyes were the result of spending so much in front of my computer, but no. The condition of dry eye is yet another midlife surprise. After a thorough exam from my opthamologist, nothing serious like diabetes was discovered.

“It just happens,” my doctor explained as he wrote down the name of an over-the-counter lubricant and asked his assistant to fetch a sample of the product. How could I have been so clueless? Of course dry eye is related to fluctuating hormones. And the condition does always seem to worsen right before my period. Apparently, though, I’m not alone in not immediately figuring this out. It seems that while 62 percent of us experience dry eyes, only 16 percent of us realize that it’s menopause-related.

Just what I need. One more excuse to be a couch potato. But I think it might be “legal” tonight.

A two-hour documentary, The Boomer Century, premieres on PBS. The program will examine the years 1946 through 2046 and report on how America’s generation of 78 million baby boomers will shape the future.

OK. Tuning in sounds a little bit like homework. Nick at Nite it isn’t, but when we’re the subject of the show, well, it might be interesting to see what they’re saying about us. Right?

For more information on the program, and to find out what time it airs in your neck of the woods, visit this link:  http://www.pbs.org/boomercentury/.

If you can’t catch the program tonight, I believe that PBS plans to air it several times. But do visit the above link to check your local listings.

One of the things that has always puzzled me about men is how darned regular they are. By that, I mean that they’re not straining during the course of doing their business. Never, in my life, have I ever heard any guy utter the words: “I’m really bound up today,” or complain that his stomach is distended.

Oh, sure, they’ll go into the bathroom and close the door—not to be seen again for an hour or so. But they’re not in there trying to, um, force any issues. No. Instead, they’re reading Sports Illustrated, and falling asleep at the throne.

I once had a gynecologist tell me that, to a patient, every single woman he saw in his practice had a problem with constipation at some point in her life.

Well, ladies, it turns out that this unsavory issue of constipation is in fact more ours than the guys’. Through formal research, the Evanston Continence Center at Northwestern University discovered that women in menopause, or women who had experienced a hysterectomy, are at higher risk for constipation than are other segments of the population.

So, what now? How do we kick this crappy little conundrum, which is yet another unsavory symptom of midlife?

Oh, you already know: We need to eat right and exercise. But just in case you need some help with the finer points, this is a pretty good article on how not to bust your gut in midlife.

If you’re in midlife, chances are that you grew up with Barbie. I don’t even need to qualify that statement by adding “the doll” after her name. You already know whom I’m talking about. Like other one-name wonder women—such as Madonna, Cher, and Oprah, for example—there’s only one Barbie and we all know who she is. But did you ever stop to think that she’s now premenopausal?

Yep, Barbie’s 47, and Jane Glenn Haas, a columnist for the Orange County Register, believes that it’s high time the doll be allowed to act her age, so last summer she arranged for Barbie to have a midlife transition makeover.

Ms. Haas is also the founder of WomanSage, a nonprofit group for midlife women, which, to me, seems like the anti-Red Hat Society. At least that’s the impression that I get from their Web site. They seem more serious than sassy. In her newspaper column about Barbie’s midlife makeover, Ms. Haas laments the fact that Mattel keeps giving the doll liposuction and Botox treatments, and dressing her like “a tramp” in various roles such as “WOW—Way Out West Barbie,” in which she sports “skimpy denim shorts” and red boots (note the absence of a red hat), and “Hula Honey,” where Barbie flaunts a grass skirt.

After almost 50 years of this type of service, Ms. Haas thinks enough is enough. I agree. Leave Barbie alone and let her age gracefully. In fact, Ms. Haas went so far as to bring in a team of experts, all WomanSage members, to unearth the real Barbie with a midlife transition makeover that included a review of the doll’s finances, lifestyle, career direction, wardrobe, hair and make-up.

The experts’ assessments of the doll are all amusing, but in a serious sort of way. They will definitely hit home with real live women in midlife. For example, the financial expert is concerned about Barbie’s potential union with Ken, and in order to protect her assets of the condo and the convertible she advises that a pre-nup agreement be signed—and then moving forward the couple can co-mingle funds as community property. That’s a great idea. I think I’ll remember that one.

Have you ever felt a little squeamish about using the Internet to find a date? I admit that I have been somewhat uncomfortable at the thought of it. I’m not quite certain why, but I think it’s always seemed kind of unnatural to me.

However, I may be changing my tune. This morning I talked to one of those Internet dating success stories that you hear about. And I admit that I’m intrigued.

Casey Dawes, who is a personal coach, author and professional speaker from Santa Cruz, California, has been married for four years to a man whom she met online.

Ms. Dawes, founder of the company, Wise Woman Shining (http://www.wisewomanshining.com/), chatted with me about a topic that she has developed a workshop around: “Finding the Love You Want After 45.”

The Internet, she explained, is a good place for midlife women to meet men. However, caution is the keyword when it comes to meeting men online, advised Ms. Dawes. For example, she said that she and her now-husband e-mailed for two months before meeting, and she even asked him for references. Also, be sure to meet in a public place during the initial stages of getting to know each other face-to-face.

If the dating web sites make you uncomfortable, Ms. Dawes told me about a site that she recently discovered, which seems to be “more about people getting together,” than a die-hard dating site. In fact, she said that she recently sent its URL to a single friend. The site is http://www.boomerageclub.com/.

However, there are other avenues that midlife women can use to meet men (and none involve meeting them in a bar).

“The Internet can’t be the only thing you’re doing,” Ms. Dawes cautioned. Otherwise, she pointed out, “What does that say about you if you’re spending all of your time meeting people on the computer?”

Her advice? In addition to utilizing the Internet, “Do what you love, and see what shows up.” By this, she means become involved in activities and projects that you find personally interesting so that you open up the possibility of meeting men who share similar passions. For example, if your preferences lean toward the out-of-doors and/or philanthropic concerns, become involved in activities such as hiking and Habitat for Humanity.

When we reach midlife, men and women are often at a crossroads with each other, Ms. Dawes explained. After 20 years of raising children, many women are looking for a true companion—not a man whose socks they need to pick up and whom they need to clean up after. Midlife women are typically interested in getting out and doing things—and living a life that they’ve put aside in order to raise a family.

But on the flip side, Ms. Dawes said that many men, when they come to their mid-years after having put many years into the workforce, are simply content to kick back in front of the television and watch sports—and they aren’t necessarily as interested in developing and fostering companionships.

Once a midlife woman does meet a man that she wants to date, Ms. Dawes cautioned that we shouldn’t try to fix him. “It’s a big problem,” she said. We tend to want to fix the man in our life because we often don’t want to take the time to work on ourselves, she explained. Ms. Dawes said that a piece of advice that resonated with one of her clients was: Be the person you want to date (or marry).

As for the two BIG issues, sex and money, Ms. Dawes advised that you get those matters out in the open, upfront. Discuss the “money thing” before you go on a date. Figure out how finances will be handled for that and future dates. She suggested addressing the question of who pays for what and when in an open-ended manner, by asking the man, “How do you want to handle it?” This approach, “saves you from awkward moments later on, and it also tells you a lot about the person.”

Issues pertaining to finance are very important for midlife women to address when they become involved with a man. During our middle years, money is more complicated because there are children involved, as well as things such as wills and inheritances.
And, she said, women in midlife should definitely expect to pay their share on a date.

As for the other hot issue, sex, Ms. Dawes was very clear. “Don’t do it on the first date.” She also suggested that both parties get tested for sexually transmitted diseases before taking their relationship to a sexual level. This way, “It’s like going in with your eyes wide open.”

The bottom line for midlife women who want to find a man is to “know what you will not accept in somebody,” Ms. Dawes said. So if you don’t want a smoker, then don’t even date one in the first place.

Her other key piece of advice was to “Do the work on yourself.” What do you own in your previous relationships that didn’t work out? Ms. Dawes recommended journaling as a good way to get to know yourself.

Ms. Dawes will be offering her workshop, “Finding the Love You Want After 45” by tele-class later in the summer so that woman around the country can take advantage of her knowledge and expertise. In the meantime, she suggested registering for her free newsletter (which you can do on her Web site) to receive the dates of that and other workshops and tele-classes offered by this Wise Woman.

Every year, the ubiquitous “we” whine that holidays, like Thanksgiving and Christmas, seem to keep coming at us earlier and earlier.

Case in point: Last month I noticed that the plastic, colored eggs and bunny-molded chocolates were on display even before Valentine’s Day appeared on the calendar.

I guess the world truly is moving at a faster pace. Supposedly, this is really the case. I’ve read that there is, in fact, some scientific basis for the warp speed at which we all seem to be traveling these days.

And now, we’re springing forward earlier than ever. Yep, hope you didn’t forget to set your clocks ahead an hour when you went to bed Saturday night. Who’s the genius that made this decision to make “fast time” even faster? Oh, never mind. It’s done now, and so we simply have to adapt. But if you ask me, I think we’re moving plenty fast without losing another hour this early in March.

My late grandfather, a farmer back in rural Ohio, never paid any attention to the time change. His clocks were never moved forward or backward, and so his farm operated in a little microcosm. It drove everyone around him nuts, including me, but he couldn’t have cared less. It was our problem, not his, and I think that he was actually a little proud of himself for holding on to the cycle of the natural world.

As for me, the time change every spring is what springs me into action when it comes to organizing my wardrobe and beauty utensils. Like clockwork, it is on the weekend when I spring my clocks forward that I begin to relocate my velvets and wools to the back of the closet, while moving the lighter-weight fabrics to the front.

And, of course, when wearing lighter-weight fabrics that show more skin, I start to think about my ghost-white legs and arms.

So although it was only 30 degrees outside over the weekend, I started writing this post—and this may be too much information for you—sitting, practically in the buff, while my self-tanner dried. Normally, the first application would not be administered so early in the season. But, you know, we’re springing ahead this week and old habits die hard.

I really wish I could be more like grandpa and just buck the trend. But in a way, I guess I am like him since I’m a little set in my ways.

In any event, if you’re like me and need assistance when it comes to using self-tanners, here is a nice refresher course for looking streak-free and as natural as possible in these rather un-natural times.

If there’s such a thing as a Fairy Godmother of the midlife years, I believe I’ve found her.

With all of the seriousness surrounding the issues of peri-menopause, menopause and post-menopause, I was beginning to wonder if there was anyone, anywhere who was tackling these subjects from a lighter perspective. 

It’s likely that if you’re a “woman of a certain vintage,” the Seven Dwarves of Menopause has made its way in to your e-mail inbox. Almost every woman I know who is over 40 has seen the dwarves.

Frankly, I have to confess to you that I find the little characters of Sweaty, Bloaty, Psycho and their four friends—who also have names that reflect stereotypes assigned to midlife women—more offensive than humorous.

However, I have fortunately discovered one woman whose mission is to turn her midlife years into a laughing matter—but in a healthy kind of a way. Nine years ago, Dee Adams, then age 48, had never so much as even doodled a cartoon. But out of economic necessity she picked up a pen and, drawing from personal experience, created the adventures of Minnie Pauz, a faceless, big-bottomed woman in the throes of midlife with all of its annoying accoutrements—night sweats, hot flashes, weight gain, mood swings, irregular periods, forgetfulness and a host of other physical and emotional challenges.

Since the birth of Minnie Pauz, Dee, a self proclaimed “rebel with a pause,” has appeared on CNN and PBS and in Time magazine. Her Web site currently generates about a half a million hits a day with a following that includes medical professionals, as well as women experiencing midlife.

Clearly, Dee Adams has struck a nerve with a growing segment of the population that often feels like it’s on its last nerve: women going through their second 40 years.

“Humor can help,” said Dee. “There’s no denying it. Laughter has always helped me get through life.”

Indeed, the cartoon’s creator knows firsthand about the importance of having a sense of humor. While her life hasn’t always been easy—there have been periods when she’s been jobless and without health insurance—she attributes her ability to keep those cloudy days in perspective by not taking them too seriously.

For example, when a woman complained that she didn’t find the humor in Minnie Pauz, instead of becoming defensive, the cartoonist found it funny.

In fact, as Dee explained, scientific studies have proven that laughter can assist the body in repairing cells, and, in addition, the humor expert said that “when we laugh, we’re releasing serotonin.”  This, she said, “contributes to an overall general sense of well-being.” Serotonin is a hormone that helps regulate certain fundamental aspects of well-being, such as sleep and appetite.

If Dee Adams could impart a single piece of advice to women who are entering their midlife years, it would be this: “You have to be prepared for the unexpected. There’s no way to really plan to get through it.”

In addition to trying to find the humor in what they’re experiencing, Dee encourages women to be flexible. “You might have certain symptoms for a couple of months, and then other symptoms will develop,” she said. And this, Dee theorized, is why women get in such a tizzy during midlife. They simply have no idea of what’s coming next.

However, as the cartoonist pointed out, “When someone is stressed, they flit from here to there.” The goal of Minnie Pauz, Dee explained, is to get women to take a deep breath—and stop being a slave to all of the unpredictability that comes with the territory of midlife. “A cartoon stops people in their tracks. It makes people stop and look,” she said. “If you can get someone to relax, then they can hear the message.”

And just what is the message that this rebel with a pause wants other women to hear?

As far as midlife and all of its annoyances, “You’re not going to die from it,” advised the cartoonist—who offered up that wise counsel with a hint of a chuckle in her voice.

And you know what? She’s right. I’ve been sweating a little less and laughing a lot more ever since I’ve met my new friend, Minnie Pauz.

Dee Adams’ cartoons and other information about midlife can be found at http://www.minniepauz.com/. Although a subscription is required to access the full portfolio of cartoons, it is offered free of charge.